What ever do I talk about! Conversations and meeting people.

-----“Where are you from”, I believe either the right or left side of my mother’s uterus. You see I was only a tiny zygote/embryo so I can’t remember which side had a thicker lining of blood and tissue…”

Have you ever stopped to notice what we actually talk about? Unless confined to solitude, the majority of us on a daily basis make conversation with one another. However what do we actually say or converse about? These questions are fresh in my mind as I am continually meeting new people here in Amsterdam. For instance yesterday evening, I once again was subjected to the ominous meet and greet activity.

Last year’s MAIPR group and the new round of MAIPR students were introduced to each other in a modern little bar that is cozily situated in the little ally next to the Theater school. As we trickled in everyone, new and old, gathered along a long wooden table in a nice brightly lit room under tall ceilings and amongst trendy wall hangings. After the traditional round the circle “hi my name is” introductions we were faced with the strange task of ‘meeting’. What exactly do we try and achieve during this encounter?

I suppose the easy answer is ‘to get to know one another’, which in my experience is find out a few key facts in order to put people in a nice little box, wrap them up in a few stereotypes, bow on top, NEXT. Indeed last night there was this sort of urgency to ‘meet everyone’. After a few quick comments from a girl I met she said, “well I should probably be moving on and meeting the others”. It was if she was missing out on something if she didn’t gather a few quick facts from everyone. I thought, hmm either I’m boring or she really feels the need to thoroughly make the rounds. I’m hoping/guessing the second was the case because she only gave me the chance to explain where I was from and where in Amsterdam I was living. So is that what constitutes ‘meeting someone’? Why the necessity to ‘meet everyone’. Is this a competition? Should we be weeding out who is the most worthy to engage in conversation with? Yet how is that possible in the span of 5-10 minutes? I wonder during these mass meet-greet-forced socialization-gatherings if it would be more productive to say ok, right count off, and pair up. You have to spend the next hour speaking with this person and no one else. Then perhaps you could really have a chat. In fact a friend once said, “you know its best just to say to a girl you meet at one of these sessions-hey lets sit down and go for a drink and actually have a conversation”—nonetheless now considering this situation the reason his suggestion works is perhaps by switching the social setting to something that alleviates the pressure from ‘missing out on someone’ you can really talk with someone…( why cant you do it in the bigger group is still an issue). Yet moreover, what is this having a ‘chat’ all about. Would we ‘meet them’. better? What is this ‘meeting’? Do we tell stories about ourselves, engage in political debate, look for points of similarities, differences, comment about the structure of the room or everything: what is this ‘getting to know someone and where to start! I have noticed in most new situations the first question is notoriously “where are you from”. The question is simple enough and indeed so routine that we never even stop to ponder it. Yet who cares and why do we ask it?

The only way I can answer this is from my own perspective. Now, reflecting upon my own reasoning, I believe ask where people are from for two reasons. The first being so I can find a point of commonality and determine how to keep the conversation going. “Oh your from Finland wow so the weather here for you must be fantastic”. “Wow, Argentina what a long plane ride that must have been”. Now typing this I realize what a conversation killer this tactic really is. So I get two more lines out of the person, maybe a comment about their comfort or weather not but usually the comments are shallow “yah good, or it was fun” unless something really strange happened and you strike gold… to what extent am I asking just to ask a question…hear my own voice…or maybe I really do care? The second and probably more important reason I ask is so I can begin to gage/judge a person by comparing them to either, stereotypes of people from the country they have just announced, or previous encounter’s with others of the same nationality. As a result I can pretend to think I actually know something about them. And there is a strange sort of power in this knowing. What power though? So you know someone is from England; so they might like Cricket, they might spread Marmite on their bread, and have a past of living in eternally grey and gloomy weather. Yet they might not. The mere possibility of applying stereotypes gives us the idea that we know something about people and knowledge is power or better the feeling of power? However what happens when our assumptions don’t match up with our predications. “Hi I’m Ed, and I’m from Australia” a person says in a distinctly United States accent. Or how about a tall blond guy announcing he’s from Mexico. These answers of course confuse and intrigue people, oh wow you don’t sound like you’re form Australia. You don’t look like you’re from Mexico. Oh really (right like I didn’t know that I don’t fit the stereotype so thanks captain obvious!) …. Conversation dies. Yet I think it points to the bigger question of belonging, and how we ‘do’ belonging and why other people care if we fit these stereotypes. Or perhaps people really don’t care and they are merely just trying to find a way to keep the conversation going.

In the U.S.A there is no way to look. You can be Asian-American, Hispanic-American, African-American (but what do any of those terms really mean anyways ‘asian… Indian? Japanese? Philipino? Chinese?). Regardless your nationality will be accepted as long as you sound American. Sound and sight seem to be the only two categories we place people by. “Wow you certainly smell like a Canadian” is definitely something I’ve never heard before. But when the person doesn’t ‘fit’ these stereotypes or have an ‘socially unified’ identity they have to wear this non-conformity like a badge, a yellow star pinned to their coat I am from here: but I’m physically, auditorily, religiously, etc. different. Once again this returns to the big interesting idea of identity. Or how about when you have a mixed background. Well… I’m from where to start. People don’t seem to like this answer. It doesn’t give them a nice neat one line summary or provide that ‘power’ of unified knowledge and easy categorization. In my own case I always start out by saying the “U.S.A” which given the size and diversity people usually pry for a more specific answer… and that of course gets a bit tricky…(I’m form Hawaii but do not look like a pacific islander then because my parents wanted to teach me about climate diversity i.e. the weather equivilant of heaven and hell I moved to buffalo NY from there just hopped over to NZ for a few years, after that well here there and everywhere… as the list grows to me it seems people stop really listening unless they hear a country that interests them). I think from now on when asked where I’m from I’m going to say: well the specific location? I believe either the right or left side of my mother’s uterus. You see I was only a tiny zygote/embryo so I can’t remember which side had a thicker lining of blood and tissue…I might get a pity laugh or perhaps a confused stare which I probably would interpret as the person thinking I’m crazy. Or if I said ‘I’m from god” or “The rib of Adam” I think I’d freak most people out unless I happen to be striking up a conversation with a religious enthusiast.

Well what is a more appropriate question to get to ‘know someone’, or is our geographic background sufficient? What if we started by asking, “what has been the most life changing experience” or “what is a traumatic event that really effected the way you see the world”. Yet these topics usually require easing into and might seem a bit too ‘confrontational’ for a first encounter. Or how about a completely nonsense question like: “if you had to live on a desert island for the rest of your life what two things would you take with you?” or “if you had to eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?”

Still why do we need to know anything about the person at all? To be honest the best meet and greet experiences I have had have started with little or no forced personal information. Facts about ‘identity’ and the ‘meeting’ usually come naturally. I remember one of the smoothest (vs. awkard) meetings I’ve ever had was at a talk. I sat next to this average sized dark curly haired young kiwi guy called Mike. He appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary wore a shirt, vest, jeans, sneakers, carried a backpack (ya- a real rebel!) and seemed relaxed considering the circumstances (I guess he was one of the only guys at a talk hosted by Rape Crisis Dunedin…so his very presence made him a bit intriguing). The first thing he said to me was merely an observation about his interests, something like, “I really enjoy the way this room is cozy. It really is welcoming for being a lecture hall”. I agreed, discussed, and we went on to have a discussion about lecture halls, moving on to university students and slowly the conversation blossomed and began to address many attractive topics. I didn’t even find out his name until later when my friend asked how I had found ‘Mike’ her ex flatmate. To this I replied, “wow I didn’t even know his name was Mike or one single fact about him but we had a fantastic time chatting”. Unfortunately though Mike and I never ran into each other again, but I do still remember many of the ideas and the thoughts he left me.

Another example has a 'happier' (more 'complete?') ending. This person I now consider to be quite a good friend. During this case our relationship initially began by email. My now friend sent a message about an article I had written for the Critic (our student magazine) concerning the illegal organ trade. It began about the original topic but our email exchange soon ballooned and led to many a discussion about ethics and more particularly provocative as well as hugely humorous enjoyable emails. Yet, I do not think it was until the fifth or sixth email of a fantastic and interesting debate, did I find out anything out about him!

Thus I wonder about this ‘natural’ tendency to get to ‘know’ someone by gathering personal facts. I think our eagerness to construct an identity often is built on hollow scaffolding, the person hands us the pieces but ultimately we create our own ‘structure’ of ‘them’ using tools we already had in the shed. I wonder if we gave the person more room to create their own home in our head, and allowed identity to emerge as thoughts, opinions, shared silliness, laughs, likes and little jokes, later supplemented by direct personal facts, would we have deeper and more meaningful encounters.

Anti-Nationalism Pride?

So a friend also studying in Europe recently wrote to me about an encounter he observed. He told me of this situation where a girl from the U.S.A was told she, “did not look American” and how this statement caused her great pride and joy. My friend, very proud of his Kiwi heritage found the girls strange anti-nationalistic elation odd and asked me if I would have reacted similarly.

The short answer: Yes. I can completely understand this girl's perspective. I've had many people also say "oh you don't look American" and deep down inside am so proud to be disassociated with my country. I cannot explain what it feels like to be from the U.S.A and to have our globalized stereotypes consciously or unconsciously immediately emptied onto a person’s first impression of ‘you’. It’s easy to make a neat little ‘box’ of what people from the U.S.A are because "American's" are banally blasted into everyone's homes through those tiny silver screens and into everyone's cities via those large animated cinema squares. Our politics are notoriously studied and broadcasted and also propagate a certain 'image'. Many world universities offer an American studies degree…how many offer a Australian studies degree or how about a Belgium studies.

It’s not really being from the U.S.A. that bothers me, it's rather the pre-wrapped box full of stereotypes. I have less freedom over how people perceive me and often feel I have to battle these associations. Perhaps in part its my own insecurities and I am in fact interpreted with an open mind… but experience has proved otherwise. In India when people asked where I was from I would often reply "Canada". If you said, American, Japanese, or Israeli the Indian venders would treat you according to stereotype. According to these stereotypes (i felt) they then made judgments according to their previous experiences—They wouldn’t bother bargaining with an ‘stubborn’ Israeli and automatically give them a semi-low price, inflated prices were quoted to the Japanese because the ‘timid’ Japs would dutifully pay with their powerful Yen to Rupee exchange rate, Americans were also given ridiculous prices with the knowledge that ten minutes would be spent arguing over the equivalent of 1 $USD. Yet if you said something like 'Dutch, Philippino, or Costa Rican’, basically any nationality whose history/stereotype wasn’t as prevalent, people treated you as a just a plain person. They were curious. They gave you an empty ‘space’ to be filled rather than a pre-made representation. I find that here it is quite the same. If you are from Mexico or Brazil Europeans have had less contact with these cultures and do not automatically make (as many) assumptions. Whereas being American...well oye I cant even begin (of course again this is completely subjective and related to my own insecurity and interpretation). I try and escape being placed in a box by emphasizing the time i've spent abroad and mentioning I grew up in Hawaii and spent time in Guam. No i am not the blonde bimbo Orange County Californian, no i'm not a sassy NYer from CSI, or the extra friendly southerner from Ten-ess-see, I do not binge drink, talk loudly, embrace my stupidity or love the war in Iraq. At the same time It's frustrating because i do to some extent have some or all of these qualities. Instead I consciously speak softer, throwing 'eh'  in as much as possible and soften my accent so that people aren't quite sure if I’m actually American.

Yet at the same time lately i've felt quite lost. I really am sick of not having a home. I am sick of having complicated explanations about where I'm from and often wish I had a nice set of cultural rules and identity to embrace as well as knew how to read the ones around me. 

Yet going back to the original question: through everything I do like being American, even abroad and perhaps more so abroad because it helps me reflect upon my own culture. I think there are some fantastic things about our culture/country as well as some ones i'd rather not be associated with. We are friendly. I like that you can usually approach someone on the street and ask for directions or make a comment and be received with a smile (of course this varies within region but I think even cold no-nonsense New Yorkers are accepting and welcoming in their own special way). I like that we are passionate. American's LOVE what they do. THEY USE LOTS OF CAPITALS! OMG!! THAT IS SO AWESOME GIRL!! And they really embrace their interests whether it be sport, school, or work. There is this unspoken standard that whatever you do you should thoroughly enjoy it or it’s not worth doing (ok of course there are many exceptions but perhaps people compensate in other areas of life: have a job they hate but it pays a salary which provides a means to buy season tickets, a flat screen, and subscription to sports illustrated). I think this passion (which often is parallel to our pride) is one of the reason for our global presence (ha second to economic motivation of course), but we are proud of what we do, we love what we do, and want to share it with EVERYONE--from movies to literature to art to you name it! I also like our humor to some extent. It's stupid. It's childish. It's banal. It's extreme, over the top and ridiculous. However it is a bit egalitarian. Watching Jackass does not require knowledge of Shakespeare or politics. The only requirement is an ability to laugh at yourself and deviance from social norms. In a way its liberating. An academic called Walter Benjamin writes about the 'cinema's ability for distraction'. He claims that people can go to the movies and loose themselves in the Hollywood stories. It provides a fantasy for everyone. We place ourselves in the character’s places. According to him this new media is not only a distraction, but a new form of art. Before 'art' was elitist and bourgeois. However a movie is entertaining, does not require extensive thought and produces feelings of visceral enjoyment. The 'aura' or the elitism associated with 'old art' is taken down by the cinema. This new form of art brings human expression and is not limited to those who have the 'cultural capital' and art knowledge usually limited to the higher ranks of society. For me... american humor is a new sort of accessible art. We enjoy looking, looking at emotion, at the spectacle, and the grotesque. And Lastly I like our empathy. Americans are empathetic unlike the Dutch who take the attitude that "well if your stuff was stolen then you should have locked your window. Or when I tried to switch my order in a cafe the waitress told me, "nope I've already put it down you should have thought about it before". However on the other end in NZ sometimes I ended up feeling bad due to the amount of customer service or help I received. The Kiwi's will literally bend over backwards for you. Once in a clothing shop the women spent an hour and a half calling every clothing store on the north and south island to see if they had my size in a pair of pants (sure its a small country but still... this was a chain store with quite a few outlets). Americans lie somewhere in between. We are always there to say 'oh man that really sucks' and go out of our way to make someone's life just a bit easier by giving up something for them whether it be time or an extra umbrella.

CROSS CULTURAL BODY LANGUAGE

Another difficult part about being abroad for me is not language differences but interpreting other’s body language. I hate guessing about gestures. Is that smile genuine, joking or jeering. I read this article and a bit really struck home:

"Back in 1959, anthropologist Edward T. Hall labeled these expressive human attributes "the Silent Language." Hall passed away last month in Santa Fe at age 95, but his writings on nonverbal communication deserve continued attention. He argued that body language, facial expressions and stock mannerisms function "in juxtaposition to words," imparting feelings, attitudes, reactions and judgments in a different register.

This is why, Hall explained, U.S. diplomats could enter a foreign country fully competent in the native language and yet still flounder from one miscommunication to another, having failed to decode the manners, gestures and subtle protocols that go along with words. And how could they, for the "silent language" is acquired through acculturation, not schooling. Not only is it unspoken; it is largely unconscious. The meanings that pass through it remain implicit, more felt than understood."

I thought: That's it. I am always trying to 'read' people but it is so difficult. For instance I was talking to my friend D (from mexico) and he was saying how our friend S (Indian) seemed so serious and powerful. Whereas to me, I read her as thoughtful, observant and with bits of anxiety thrown in at odd intervals. We had completely interpreted her unspoken body language differently. For instance when in NZ I was always surprised by how MUCH emotion men/boys conveyed in their faces. I often felt quite disconcerted because i'd be speaking and all of a sudden they would move their eyebrows together and down and crinkle their forehead in this deeply concerned look (my reading). They matched this with a deep almost angry intensity in their eyes. However after three years I started to understand that it wasnt as strong as a concern as I had read it as, it was merely their cultural demonstration of thought. Where as the same facial expression in the USA would mean... what the person said borderline pissed you off/you were in a bit of disagreement.

But I digress. As much anti-nationalism I have I do miss being in America because I knew how to read people and to be read. I was 'good' at being a 'person'. Here I am finding myself at that turning point in friendships where the newness has worn off and now you are really trying to get to know each other. However there are always these tiny little nuances of personality and cultural differences that always create invisible hurdles and boundaries. Sometimes I feel as if i keep trying to be nice and communicate with someone but keep having this feeling of slamming into an invisible wall… a cultural value embodied blockade. Whereas in the USA I knew how to 'do' friendship as silly as it sounds. I knew how to 'do' small talk. I knew how to embody my emotions in a readable manner. When I first went back to the USA this summer I felt quite disoriented. I didn’t know how to say hello, I didnt know what to talk about, how to act. I was so out of the rhythm and found myself constantly in a state of strange nervousness. However, like riding a bicycle in a few weeks it all came back. I re-learned the silent language and mundane self. Yet... here I am undoing it all again.

However now i'm consciously undoing and choosing. I find myself much more aware of my body language, my speech pattern. It no longer flows unconsciously, but rather, I am always ironing out my topic, thinking of how it will be understood, choosing words carefully and wondering if their meaning will be interpreted as I have meant. I constantly think about my body, noticing the small gestures that are unconsciously communicating more than most realize. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and being conscious of this invisible language I could tell when the topics challenged him. It was overly apparent when he was unsure of his answers (well at least that was my reading). The amount of small fidgeting increased, he began to play with his hair more intensely when the subject matter became more controversial. During tense moments I almost laughed. The exaggerated twisting, twirling of strands around his fingers made it seem as if he was attempting to place an invisible roller in his hair, a scene from a 1960’s movie of a women in a bathroom giving herself a perm rather than an heated academic discussion. Yet perhaps he is a kinesthetic thinker. He just was processing his thoughts through movement. He was not nervous at all…I do not know anything about British embodied behavior.

Another example was in class the other day. We were working in small groups to answer a few assigned questions. I had been paired with two Dutch students. One, Bart, is blond somewhat good looking, and moves with certainty. He has this relaxed arrogance in the way he speaks and he seemed to choose his postures. After we had presented our answers and were listening to our fellow classmates he began to poke my chair. Then after he tired of that he began to move my paper so that it was crooked on the desk. Afterwards he touched and stopped my foot that had been moving back and forth as i do when i'm bored. All of these gestures were done with out looking at me and while pretending to pay attention. Now in the USA this would be flirting. No questions asked. However I am not sure if these little intended annoyances were actually vices to get my attention or the fact that he really just wanted to annoy me. I have no clue how to read this silent language. My embodied Dutch is probably worse than my spoken Dutch. I think most people would say 'oh definitely flirting' however I have heard that Bart does not like the foreign students in class and often makes snide remarks in Dutch about us. So perhaps these gestures were in fact malicious and his own way of getting a taste of vengeance. I can understand where he is coming from given that we (‘foreign students’) are held in high esteem by the professors who perhaps exoticize us a tad bit to much (but is this not only human nature: curiosity about the other?) What does YOUR culture think: we are academic diplomats, interpreters, representatives of these far off lands and provide insight into otherwise unknown worlds. The problem with this split class dynamic, ‘us vs. them’, is often the 'natives' are neglected. They are the first born child in the shadow of a new baby, no longer the academic stars. Instead they remain boring old students who can't quite speak English as well as this strange accented 'others'.

Yet in writing all of this I realize these words would make a lot of anthropologists cringe at the horrible 'cultural' generalizations i've made. However stereotypes are based on reality so these are merely referring the essences of the cultures I mention. Each individual will have their own interpretation and cultural space. My own autobiographical experiences have written this passage and continue to effect my ideas, speech, and embodied behaviors. I am American according to my passport but I am also a hodgepodge of people, places, spaces, races, and many friendly faces :-)

First reactions to Amsterdam

So for those who don't know I have decided to complete a Master's Degree in International Performance Research as part of Erasmus Mundas Program. It's a pretty neat program. I receive not one but TWO MA degrees in the span of a year and a half. How can this be possible you might ask? Well I begin by spending one semester in the great city of Canals, Drugs and Sex (in that order?)...Amsterdam. Afterwards I move over as one of the 'Frozen Chozen' (as the other in my program have so aptly put it) to the University of Helsinki in Finland for a semester of freezing fun with some study thrown in. Afterwards I return next September to Amsterdam to write my MA thesis finishing it all up in December 2010 woo hoo.

Now what is performance studies you might ask... errr well .... ummm I actually have no clue. However this explanation was at the beginning of one of my readings and I quite like it (note performance 'art' is a bit difference than 'performance' and is merely one facet of this anomaly of a concept/linguistic challenge/ontological lens ect.).

“Excuse me can you define performance art?”
Answers:
“A bunch of weirdos who love to get naked and scream about leftist politics.” (Yuppie in a bar”
"Performance artists are…bad actors." (a good actor)
"You mean, those decadent and elitist liberals who hide behind the art thing to beg for government money?" (Politician)
"It’s…just…very, very cool stuff. Makes you…think, and shit" (my nephew)
"Performance is both the antithesis of and the antidote to high culture" (performance artist)
“I’ll answer you with a joke: What do you get when you mix a comedian with a performance artist?...A joke that no one understands” (a friend)

Not bad answers. As for my own.... well ask me in a year and a half.

So as far as the city of Amsterdam itself, my sister asked me two very good questions:

What are 5 things you love!?
What are 5 things that bother you?

Now i'll indulge in my answers:

Five favorite things (thus far):

1. everyone says hello to you on the street
2. The diversity--within 5 sq meters you can hear at least 10 languages. Apparently (according to Amsterdam Uni) The city is the most diverse in the world with regards to population :: ethnicity ratio. Walking through the streets the various types of restaurants and shops pay homage to this fact. One can wonder down the frustrating U shapes (the streets are all horse shoe shaped which makes finding your way nearly impossible!) and see an 'Egyptian' Sex shop, next to a South Indian Cafe, besides an Aboriginal Instrument Store, across from an Argentinean steak shop, where out front a man is selling falafel and behind him you can sign up for cheap hula lessons.
3. Everyone stares at you. There is no shame. Every one is different and the difference is celebrated by the characteristic curiosity 'stare'. "Hey I'm looking at you and you know what it's cool because you're looking at me too".
4. The smooshed buildings and small windy streets. Everything is so...cozy. The whole city is filled with little coffee shops, cafes, stores etc. There is barely any room for cars to drive down the streets. When walking through the city I feel as if I am constantly in an 'embrace' from the buildings; hugged and loved by the mere close quarters.
5. The size of the city. It is not too small, and not too big (I feel like i'm part of the three bears describing a public space porridge). It's Juuuussstttt right--landing somewhere in between the space of boston and NYC. I feel like Amsterdam is one of those never ending 'places'. Places where even when you think you've mastered the rhyme and rhythm of the street's beats... a new rap comes along and throws your mental map

Five things I dont love:

1. The U-shaped streets. I cant find my way anywhere. I miss the nice grid system of NYC-like modernism--I can not tell you how many times i've ended up exactly where i've started after following a slowly slanting road for an hour.
2. The prices--everything food, coffee etc is the same price as in boston BUT IN EUROS. Going out to eat in a small cafe (not even a restaurant) cost me 12 Euros --about the same as say Panera Bread...but that's really 18$ ...Dayh-UM!
3. My living quaters. I live in a room out of a hallway. Its hard to meet people because where i'm living resembles an industrial style freshman year american dorm. The buildings are lovely known as the 'containers'.
4. The dutch language. This is in part due to my cultural/linguistic inadequacy of being a native English speaker. Although many do speak English I think many people are embarrassed/afraid to speak improper english to a native speaker and thus avoid doing so. And Dutch is like the German language but appropriately stoned and on Mushrooms. The words are chalk full of vowels and too many consanents making it impossible to even guess how something should be pronounced. And i had trouble with spanish... so dutch is a whole other ball game.

5. Having an American Accent and being immediately (or at least feeling) immediately judged by the strong stereotype of Americans by europeans (an English class mate refers to 'us' as 'from the colonies' haha)

Otherwise being in a new place is always an exciting an adventure and thus there will most likely be many reflections about my experiences to come!

~*erika